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| Write the most magnificent screenplay the world will ever see. |
Hi, my name is Swapnil Narendra and since you are reading a post written by me, on my blog I guess it answers your burning question,
"What qualifies this guy to give advice to aspiring writers?"
So with that doubt out of the way, lets get back to the topic here. Trust me, this method has helped many aspiring writers (including myself), and now I am sharing this promiscuous pearl of wisdom with you for no price or reward.
At least say "Thank You!"
So without wasting anymore time, let me tell you what you should do to become a writer:
STEP 1: ASK YOURSELF
Ask the following questions to yourself.
"Is there anything else I can do?"
"Will the taunts/demeaning comments of your family and friends make you feel horrible ?"
If, the answer to any of the questions asked above is ''Yes,'' then abandon ship and get a real job. Writing is not for you. A writer must have a thick skin like a cockroach. And a dignity of a goldfish. But if the answer to all is ''No'', proceed to Step #2.
STEP 2: BREAK THE NEWS
Tell your family and friends about your decision and they will ask you to get your head examined. Dont worry and go ahead. And if you are diagnosed with an OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE with MASOCHISTIC TENDENCIES (which in English means that you are a psychopath or a really crazy person), that's a good sign. You should be happy.
STEP 3: READ, READ, READ, READ, AND READ
Read any and as many books as you can on writing. Done? Good!
Now forget 99 percent of what you have read.
STEP 4: PICK YOUR FIRST TOPIC TO WRITE
Pick any three subjects that are really close to your heart and, under the tutelage of someone who knows how to write, write scripts on them. Give your everything in those scripts.
STEP 5: ---
Done with those scripts? Good!
Now throw those scripts away; they're terrible.
But at least now you know the format and structure of scripts.
STEP 6: BACK TO THE DOCTOR
Keep checking with your doctor again and again, and get a prescription for your hallucinations and depression. And if you are sure that you dont hallucinate, wait. Soon you will, those visions and sounds are just around the corner. Waiting!
STEP 7: WRITE AGAIN
Now write 3 scripts about the 3 more things that are most important to you. Make sure you put your heart, blood, and sweat into those scripts.
STEP 8: --- (Part 2)
Whew! Good thing you got those subjects out of your system! Now throw those scripts out, they are also terrible.
STEP 9: WRITE AGAIN, AGAIN
Now write another script, this time focusing not on what you want to say but on what will entertain, emotionally move and take an audience to a new world.
STEP 10: START SPAMMING
Send out 50 letters of inquiry to publication or production houses. You will never hear from 40 of the publication or production houses. Five of them will return your letter unread, saying that for legal reasons they do not accept unsolicited inquiries. Three will write back and thank you for your inquiry but say they are not looking for any scripts at the moment. Two will ask you to send your script.
STEP 11: STOP SPAMMING
Send your script to the two companies and spend the time waiting for a response rehearsing your acceptance speech for the Award® for Best Script/Novel/Screenplay etc.
STEP 12: HEARTBREAK AND DISAPPOINTMENT
One of the companies will write back and tell you your script has great potential and that they will be happy to rewrite it for you for INR5,000. You will never hear from the other company, but at least NOW YOU ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS!
STEP 13: TIME MANAGEMENT
Try to limit the amount of time you spend sitting alone in the bathroom banging your head against the wall to three days.
STEP 14: REGIME
Try some interesting new combinations of drugs and alcohol to see if that helps you become more creative or maybe fall in love with a girl (even a guy would do) who definitely would not love you back so that you can get all dull and creative (remember the movie 'Rockstar' starring Ranbir Kapoor?).
STEP 15: REGRET
Well, the previous step didn't make you any more creative, did it?
STEP 16: WRITER AGAIN, AGAIN, AGAIN
Find someone with an interesting story to tell, and write a story based upon his/her story.
STEP 17: REVISION
See steps 10 through 13.
STEP 18: EXPLORE OTHER OPTIONS
Start writing a suicide note but halfway through the note, you suddenly get an idea for a story about a person who is obsessed with writing suicide letters or maybe wants to adapt it as a profession.
STEP 19: LAMENTATION
See a lot of movies (and tv series) and read stories/novels to remind yourself why you wanted to become a writer in the first place. Only now you can't enjoy any of the movie or tv series, because you spend the whole time thinking about how the screenplay for the film would look on paper, and after the film is over, you realise you could never write anything as good as that. (Alternately, you could realise that the movie was terrible, and you can't figure out why anyone bought that piece of crap when you can't even get your phone calls returned.)
STEP 20: YOU LYING SON OF A GUN
With the money you have saved from your day-job start seeing a therapist (I knew you didn't give up your day job, YOU LIAR!). The therapist will try to convince you that it is/you are crazy to keep pursuing a career in writing. If you agree with the therapist, give up on your dream.
If, however, you think the therapist is a boring son of a bitch who is just jealous that you are doing what you really want to do and is secretly being paid by your parents to crush your dream and is probably writing a screenplay himself anyway, and that, no matter what anybody says, you are not going to give up that dream, then you are ready to become a writer.
STEP 21: WRITE AGAIN, AGAIN, AGAIN, AGAIN
Tear open your heart and write the script you find there! (Of course, you won't sell it, but who cares ?)
During all these steps, never stop writing. You must writer something or the other every day. And remember,
"A failed writer is not a terrible writer, but the one who gives up!"
So this concludes this tutorial and now you are ready to be a writer. But dont worry if you still find yourself living on your parent's/sibling's/spouse's money and with no writing gig.
YOU ARE A WRITER NOW AND SO YOU KICK ASS !!!!
Now go out and shine.
***DISCLAIMER: THE ABOVE MENTIONED STEPS ARE TO BE FOLLOWED UNDER YOUR OWN RISK AND TRIAL CONDITIONS.
THE WRITER OR THE PUBLISHER WILL NOT (AND CANNOT) BE HOLD RESPONSIBLE.
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